Friday, January 25, 2013

My Night with Vince Clarke [Or: The Night I Came Home with No Shoes]

We kind of flipped out when we heard that Vince Clarke would be spinning at The Church.  Vince is one of the founding members of Depeche Mode, Yaz, and also Erasure.  He helped shape the world of electronic music, and I got all giggly at the thought of getting to dance to music with the man responsible for said music standing only a few feet away, making it happen.
I like to ham it up a bit when the opportunity to visit The Church comes up.  I spent a significant portion of my adult youth there, and I acquired a sizeable collection of clothes appropriate for the venue.  The remaining outfits and accessories that I have from those days now serve more as costume components, as opposed to club-wear like they were formerly.  I selected my [ten year old] black platform Mary Janes for the evening, and we headed out.

Kit and I got there early so we could scope out the setup and see exactly what our VIP bracelets would get us.  After a couple of drinks, my friend, Barry, arrived.  He texted me to see where I was, and I got up to look for him.  As I was walking towards him, I felt a flop under my right foot when I took a step.  I took another couple of steps, and I felt the sensation of stepping off of my shoe and onto the floor.  I looked behind me, and there stood one of my platforms, all by herself.  The damn thing peeled right off of the top portion of the shoe!  After we laughed for at least 24 minutes, I realized how inconvenient this really was, and I also felt a little embarrassed.

I knew that I realistically could not go the rest of the evening clunking around with a giant platform shoe on one foot and a ballet slipper-esque shoe on the other.  When we made our way back to the table, I was able to successfully rip the platform off of my other shoe, so at least I was balanced out.  I decided to share the experience with our friends, so I made it the centerpiece of our table.

I already had my last dance with Mary Jane, and I didn't even know it. 

After walking around a bit, I found [what was left of] the shoes to be quite uncomfortable—my feet were sliding around inside of the leftover shells, and when I would reach down, I could actually touch my foot on the sides.  This wasn’t working.  I had no shoe alternative in my truck, and it was merely minutes before Vince took stage, so going home for more shoes really wasn’t an option.

Being a dedicated fun-lover, I went onto the dance floor with Barry, and we were dancing to old Erasure and Yaz favorites in addition to Vince’s awesome solo music.  A few songs in, we were getting silly and Barry began unbuttoning his long-sleeved shirt to take it off, making it look like a strip tease.  In an effort to return the favor, I decided to seductively slide off my “shoes,” I tossed them onto the dance floor, and we kept on dancing for another hour or so—even though I was only in socks.

It honestly was much more comfortable to dance as I was; attractive shoes often aren’t the most comfortable for hopping around like I do.  When it was time to go home, I walked out of the club and across the parking lot [like a boss] in my socks.  I wish I could have caught a glimpse of the bouncer’s reaction when he saw me leaving, but to be fair, this was The Church so I know he has seen far more bizarre things than a girl in no shoes.  I am fairly certain that my socks contracted a strain of hepatitis that night, but it was totally worth it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Bullshit Detected

Today was the first day of my new job.  How did it go?  [Thank you for asking.]  It went really well!  It was much like the first day of school, where I spent most of my time getting acquainted with others, familiarizing myself with my surroundings, and setting up my desk/office.  I brought all of my items over from my former department last Friday, and I left the boxes in a back office of my new department.

This morning, I fetched the boxes and brought them to my office to unpack.  One item in particular...

You can already see where this is going

...was gifted to me by a physician for whom I used to work.  He said that I probably needed it more than he did [questionable], but I was happy to have it in case of an emergency.  When the occasion arises, you can simply push the bullshit button, and one of five zesty phrases get yelled by an official-sounding male voice.

This morning, while I was carrying one box down the hall [which I had forgotten contained the above button], some items must have shifted and the office echoed with, "BULLSHIT DETECTED!  TAKE PRECAUTION!"

The end.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Alka Seltzer is Not for Eating

I took Chemistry when I was a Sophomore in high school, and I loved it!  It is in my nature to organize and create order, so balancing equations sort of became my thing.  It made so much more sense to me than simple algebra, since we were able to make the math work for us, like Physics, but I kind of sucked at Physics.  Anyway…

One of the experiments we conducted was to test the rate at which an effervescent antacid [Alka Seltzer] would dissolve in varied temperatures of water.  We made our hypothesis about whether water temperature would impact the dissolving rate and which temperature we predicted would cause the tablet to dissolve most quickly.  We had nearly boiling, tepid, and ice cold water, then we were to drop a tablet into each beaker, set the timer, and watch.

My lab partner and I were good friends through high school, and before beginning the experiment, we were chatting and discovered that neither of us had ever experienced Alka Seltzer.  We both agreed to taste a tablet before dropping it into a beaker, and I told him that he had to go first.  He peeled the paper seal open, removed the tablet, and raked it along the length of his tongue, leaving a white track mark down the center.  It was quite disgusting.  And it was also my turn.

I carefully held my Alka Seltzer tablet and barely touched the tip of my tongue against it, and in that half of a second, our Chemistry teacher looked up and exclaimed in front of the entire class, “JULIE WARGACKI!!! [that’s what they called me back then] Please do not EAT the Alka Seltzer tablets!”  Cue the class to roar with laughter, including my jerk lab partner.

I nearly died from embarrassment.  And in case you’re curious, water temperature did not significantly impact the rate at which the tablets dissolved.  They were all gone in about the same length of time.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

No Good Deed

This is a story about a time that Kit and I helped a supposed person in need.  I am telling the story because of how it ended, not to publicize that we did some sort of charity.  I sincerely believe charitable acts should remain anonymous or private, and I can hardly stand it when people wave around the fact that they helped someone.  In my mind, it is cancelled out at that point.  And I believe it is fine to publicize this story because I never felt good about it anyway.

In mid-January 2011, we were concluding a visit with a dear friend who was here from out of town on business.  She had stayed with us, but it was time to drop her off and say our goodbyes.  Our ride home was a little dicey, as this was the winter where we had four consecutive snow days.  On this particular afternoon, it was lightly sleeting and snowing, and ice was just beginning to stick to the windshield.

As we got close to home, we saw a girl who had to be in her late teens/early 20s, standing by herself on a sidewalk at the side of the road and shivering.  I pulled up and asked if she was hungry, and she said that she was, so I drove up the street to a fast food restaurant, ordered a few assorted items, and brought them back to her.

When I rolled down the window and handed the bag to her, she began fumbling through the bag, seemingly searching for something.  She looked up and asked, “No hot sauce?”  The only reply I could come up with was, “Wow,” and I rolled up the window, began laughing in disbelief, and drove away. 

You’re welcome.

Friday, January 4, 2013

In Other Lunch Tote-Related News

My super cute lunch tote was miraculously recovered today! It disappeared a couple of months ago [I think I forgot it while I was out of the office for surgery], and then it popped up in our department fridge this morning.
Later, suckers, and I am taking my bag with me.
Some chump has been using it and even had the nerve to bring it to work, so I kindly removed their stupid yogurt and stole my bag back.  I am positive it is mine, as the mystery stain in the bottom of it is still there.  I hesitated for a moment, thinking that I would be a jerk for stealing their bag, but then I reminded myself that it's MY bag.  I should have taken their yogurt, too.